I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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