I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
