Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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