All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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