A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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