Can i not drive my cunt home
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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