happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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