I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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