You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
