He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
