Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
