I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
