I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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