Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
