Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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