Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
