Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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