I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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