I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
