Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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