I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize