Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
