Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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