Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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