I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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