my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
