If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
