Your mouth is God's brothel.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
