if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
