my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
