My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
