No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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