My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
