I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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