Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Be still, my beating vagina.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
