I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
