I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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