census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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