textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
