If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is Oprah even human
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize