Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i barfeds in our rink
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
