Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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