i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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