Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
