Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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