there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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