My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
