I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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