Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
