so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
