My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
