Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
