i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
