Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
