i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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